24 Seasons of Glory Days: The Complete Franchise Autopsy

Brian · 22 seasons (2005–2026)

The league’s undisputed emperor. Five championships, including a 2022–24 three-peat that had the other eleven owners quietly checking whether collusion is technically against the bylaws. Owns the largest single-game blowout in franchise history — a 103.2-point mugging of John in 2017 that should have come with a police report — and once ripped off ten straight wins spanning 2023 into 2024. The reign finally cracked in 2025: a pedestrian 7-7, no playoffs, the first time in years anyone else got to breathe. Every dynasty ends. This league is still waiting to see if his did.

Tom · 24 seasons (2003–2026)

Nine playoff appearances is a league record, and somehow still undersells a career built on wild mood swings. In 2018 he dropped 2,206.9 points — the second-most any team has ever scored in a season — won the championship that same year, then repeated as champion in 2019 for good measure. That’s the same résumé, however, that includes 2014, when a team literally named “Easy as RG3” went 1-13 and choked through an 11-game losing streak, one of the worst single-season showings in twenty-plus years of recorded misery. Three rings and a franchise-caliber collapse, all in the same decade. Nobody in this league runs hotter or colder.

Matt O · 24 seasons (2003–2026)

Three championships (2005, 2010, 2021), spread out just enough that every title feels like a reunion tour. Matt O has also taken 39 “bad losses” over his career — scoring above the week’s average and still losing — second-most in Glory Days history, trailing only Tom’s 40. Add in 31 lucky wins of his own and the picture is clear: nobody has been robbed and rewarded by randomness in quite as equal measure as Stinky Bastards. A boom-or-bust résumé that somehow still produced three trophies — and nearly a fourth in 2025, before falling to Devon in the championship.

Mark · 21 seasons (2006–2026)

Week 3, 2023: 202.9 points, still the highest single-week score this league has ever recorded — in the very same game that also produced the biggest blowout in franchise history, a 119.5-point demolition of Chris (202.9–83.4) that reads like a football score, not a fantasy one. Ripped off a 10-game win streak in 2014 with nothing to show for it that year, then, years later, whiplashed into an 8-game losing streak in 2021 instead. Missed the playoffs in 2025 at 6-8. The peaks are the highest in the room; the valleys keep pace.

Devon · 11 seasons (2016–2026)

Two heartbreaking runner-up finishes before finally breaking through in 2025, dethroning Brian’s three-peat and getting the newest name etched into the trophy case. Averages more points per season than anyone else currently in this league (1,627.8 a year), backed it up with an 8-game win streak in 2020, and now walks into 2026 as the defending champion — a title this league hasn’t had to say out loud in a while. The bridesmaid finally caught the bouquet. Everyone else now has to hear about it.

Matt P · 11 seasons (2016–2026)

Owns the single highest-scoring season in franchise history — 2,219.7 points in 2020, the same year he won the whole thing, which is either perfect timing or proof the record book doesn’t lie. Also dropped 2,117.3 points in 2018 behind a 9-game win streak, and once beat Van by 102.7 points in a single 2022 blowout (167.6–64.9). Then 2025 happened: 4-10, tied for the worst record in the league, a genuinely brutal comedown for a team that used to set the offensive bar for the whole room. The Bandits robbed the record book once. The record book is currently getting its revenge.

Paul · 24 seasons (2003–2026)

Owns more total career points than any owner in Glory Days history — more than five-time champ Brian, more than anyone — and has exactly one ring to show for it, from 2008. Tied the best single-season win percentage this league has ever produced (12-2, .857) in his rookie year of 2003, immediately establishing a lifelong pattern of being outstanding in the regular season and forgettable in the ones that count. Tied for the league lead in wins and outright led the league in points in 2025 (9-5, 1,666.0) and still only finished third. Twenty-four seasons, one parade. If volume alone won championships, this would be the most decorated franchise in league history. It does not, so it isn’t.

Van · 24 seasons (2003–2026)

The lone championship on record predates this league’s own database — a title from a time before box scores, back when American Idol was presumably actually good. Since the record-keeping started, Van has made the playoffs exactly twice in twenty-four seasons, and owns the longest losing streak in franchise history (15 straight games, 2013 into 2014), plus a second 9-game skid in 2020–21 for good measure. A tenure defined less by losing than by an almost impressive refusal to sneak into a bracket. The ring is real. Nobody currently in the league watched it happen.

John · 23 seasons (2003–2026)

One championship, and it happened in 2004 — before the iPhone existed, before this league had a proper database, back when John was presumably a different, better manager. Since then: three of the five lowest single-week scores in franchise history belong to him, including the single worst — a 12.0-point showing in 2003 that still stands unchallenged. He’s been on the wrong end of two of the biggest blowouts in league history, lost fourteen straight games across 2017 and 2018, and posted the league’s worst single-season winning percentage not once but twice, in 2017 and again in 2021. And yet, somehow, John has racked up 50 “lucky wins” — more than any other owner, nearly half his career total — meaning he backs into more undeserved victories than anyone in the room and still owns the worst winning percentage of any long-tenured franchise here. Twenty-three years of evidence, one conclusion: John’s team wins games it has no business winning, and loses everything else.

Adam · 8 seasons (2019–2026)

The name says it all — Kardiac Kids has never lifted a trophy and doesn’t own a single league record, but has also made the playoffs five times in eight seasons, the best playoff rate of anyone at this table. No blowouts, no historic collapses, nothing in the record book with his name on it — just quiet, competent, close-game competence, year after year. The most underrated résumé in the league, mostly because nobody’s ever had a reason to talk about it. Until now.

Chris · 7 seasons (2020–2026)

Forty-two wins, forty-two losses — not close to .500, not built up to .500, just is .500, to the decimal. Survived a 9-game losing streak in 2020 and took the beating of a lifetime in 2023, on the wrong end of Mark’s 202.9–83.4 demolition, the single biggest blowout this league has on record. Bounced back nicely in 2025, though — a 9-5 finish, losing the third-place game to Paul instead of the ones that actually matter. Bush League by name, perfectly, defiantly mediocre by number.

JR · 9 seasons (2018–2026)

Spent six seasons under the towering creative achievement of “JR’s Team”, then in 2024 abandoned team names altogether — Sleeper’s shown nothing but his raw username ever since. Came out of the gate white-hot in 2019, an 85.7% (12-2) season fueled by an 8-game win streak that carried into 2020, the kind of debut that makes people start planning a dynasty. Instead: a career losing record (51-61) and a 2025 that bottomed out at 4-10, tied for the league’s worst. All the promise of a breakout star, none of the follow-through — and a team identity that’s actively getting worse.