Browns Spoil the Party, Now Buckle Up for a Sunday Buffet

The Browns walked into Thursday Night Football as the designated punching bag and walked out 27-24 winners over the Steelers, because of course they did. Nothing in this league, or in this sport, is allowed to be predictable for more than one week in a row. If your roster is leaning on Pittsburgh pieces (looking at you, Even Bauce Can Beat WV and I am so SMRT, D'OH), you watched a 24-point output evaporate against the scoreboard gods. Meanwhile Stinky Bastards got to sit back with their Cleveland shares and enjoy a rare Thursday W. Mark it on a calendar, frame it, whatever — it may not happen again for a while.

Now, onto the main event: a fifteen-game Sunday slate (plus Monday leftovers) that Vegas has dressed up in point spreads like it knows anything for certain. It doesn't. But let's pretend we do.

Early Window Chaos

IND heads to WAS as 3.5-point favorites in a game with a 47.5 total, which should make American Idol, Kardiac Kids, BourbonBandits, and Stinky Bastards all equally nervous since they're all riding Colts starters into the same uncertain winds. Across the ball, Corn Shoughers, I am so SMRT, D'OH, and titysprinkles2 get their Commanders fix and get to hope the underdog role brings out some garbage-time magic.

Over in Cincinnati, JAX visits as road dogs against a Bengals team favored by a modest 2.5 points with the week's second-highest total at 51.5. That's a lot of fantasy owners with a stake in this one — Even Bauce Can Beat WV, Corn Shoughers, Bush League, and titysprinkles2 on the Jacksonville side, versus Kardiac Kids, Hands Holzberger, and I am so SMRT, D'OH hoping Cincinnati's offense shows up to the shootout it's been billed as.

The Blowout Specials

Tennessee travels to Baltimore as 11.5-point underdogs, the single biggest spread of the week, which is Vegas's polite way of saying "don't bother watching the second half." Good news if you're American Idol, Hands Holzberger, BourbonBandits, Foosball Is the Devil, or titysprinkles2 and have Ravens pieces — this one might get out of hand in your favor early.

Not to be outdone, Miami heads to Minnesota as 10.5-point road dogs with a measly 38.5 total attached, the lowest number on the board. Even Bauce Can Beat WV, Hands Holzberger, 2 Yards Under, and Foosball Is the Devil are all banking on Vikings volume in what projects as a defensive snoozer.

The Afternoon Grab Bag

Dallas rolls into Houston as 3-point underdogs with a juicy 48.5 total, giving American Idol, Kardiac Kids, Bush League, and Foosball Is the Devil (Cowboys) a shootout to root for against Even Bauce Can Beat WV, Hands Holzberger, I am so SMRT, D'OH, and titysprinkles2 (Texans). Practically a league-wide potluck.

Elsewhere, LAR heads to Philly favored by 3 in a field-goal-fest total of 43.5 — tough sledding ahead for American Idol, Kardiac Kids, 2 Yards Under, and Corn Shoughers on the Rams side and BourbonBandits on the Eagles side. And out west, Denver visits San Francisco as 3-point dogs with a 47.5 total, a genuine league pile-on since American Idol somehow has stake in both squads, while Even Bauce Can Beat WV, 2 Yards Under, and Stinky Bastards all have Niners rooting interests too.

Prime Time Closers

Detroit heads to Carolina Saturday-night-style on Sunday as 3.5-point favorites in a 51.5-point environment, the week's highest total — great news for American Idol, Even Bauce Can Beat WV, Corn Shoughers, and Bush League on the Lions side, while Hands Holzberger, American Idol (again, somehow), Stinky Bastards, and Corn Shoughers get their Panthers lottery tickets too.

Monday night wraps it up with Atlanta at New Orleans, Saints favored by 2.5 with a 47.5 total — a cozy little rivalry game for 2 Yards Under, who somehow has starters on both sides and will apparently be rooting for a tie, plus Bush League (Falcons) and Stinky Bastards (Saints) along for the ride.

All picks above are strictly for entertainment purposes — the Gazette accepts no liability for your Sunday morning lineup panic.