Dallas Chokes on Thursday, America Clutches Its Fantasy Pearls

Thursday night gave us Tampa Bay 24, Dallas 16 — a final score that felt less like America's Team and more like America's Letdown. The Cowboys managed 16 points against a Bucs defense that apparently remembered how to tackle, and somewhere in this league, Kardiac Kids is the only owner allowed to shrug it off, since their roster is hedged with starters on both squads. Everyone else riding Dallas this week — American Idol, Hands Holzberger, Bush League, Foosball is the Devil, Stinky Bastards, and BourbonBandits — got a gut-check appetizer before the main course even started. Meanwhile 2 Yards Under gets to smugly point at Tampa Bay's 24 points and pretend they planned that all along.

Now, onto the weekend slate, where Vegas has handed out spreads like participation trophies and at least one game smells like a track meet.

Sunday Morning in London-That-Isn't: PHI @ JAX

JAX is favored by a cool 7.0 at home with a 42.5 total, which is Vegas's polite way of saying "Philly, sit down." BourbonBandits are holding their breath for PHI while Even Bauce Can Beat WV, Bush League, and titysprinkles2 are all pulling for the Jaguars to cover and keep their Sundays pleasant.

CIN @ MIA

Cincinnati rolls in favored by 6.5 with the total sitting at 42.5. Kardiac Kids, Hands Holzberger, and I am so SMRT, D'OH are all stocked up on Bengals, while Stinky Bastards are left hoping Miami pulls off the upset just to spite literally everyone else in this paragraph.

LV @ NE

New England's only favored by 3.5 at home (O/U 45.5), which tells you Vegas doesn't trust anybody in this one. Kardiac Kids have their NE chips in, Bush League and I am so SMRT, D'OH are riding the Raiders and hoping for chaos.

MIN @ NO

A pick'em-adjacent 1.5-point spread with a 42.5 total — basically a coin flip wearing a jersey. 2 Yards Under somehow has horses in both barns here, alongside half the league: Even Bauce Can Beat WV, Hands Holzberger, and Foosball is the Devil on Minnesota; Bush League, Corn Shoughers, and Stinky Bastards on New Orleans.

CLE @ NYJ

NYJ favored by 1.5, total sitting at a positively claustrophobic 39.5. Somebody tell Kardiac Kids, Bush League, and Stinky Bastards (all in on Cleveland) that touchdowns may be rationed this week, while Foosball is the Devil quietly hopes the Jets can find the end zone at all.

IND @ PIT

Pittsburgh's a 2.5-point home favorite with a 44.5 total. Kardiac Kids, American Idol, and Stinky Bastards are banking on Indy, while Even Bauce Can Beat WV, 2 Yards Under, and I am so SMRT, D'OH have their chips on the Steelers.

HOU @ TEN

Houston's favored by a hefty 7.5 but the total's a sleepy 37.5 — field goals and regret, basically. Even Bauce Can Beat WV, Hands Holzberger, I am so SMRT, D'OH, and titysprinkles2 are all-in on the Texans side of this one.

CHI @ GB

Chicago's a 1.5-point road favorite, O/U 45.5. Even Bauce Can Beat WV, Bush League, and titysprinkles2 have the Bears, while Kardiac Kids, Hands Holzberger, BourbonBandits, and Foosball is the Devil are leaning on Green Bay to protect Lambeau.

NYG @ WAS

Washington favored by 3.5 at home, total 42.5. Kardiac Kids, Even Bauce Can Beat WV, Foosball is the Devil, and titysprinkles2 are stuck rooting for the Giants, while Corn Shoughers, I am so SMRT, D'OH, and (again) titysprinkles2 get to double-dip on Washington.

DEN @ LAC

Denver's a 3.5-point favorite on the road, O/U 41.5. American Idol, BourbonBandits, and titysprinkles2 have Broncos exposure, with BourbonBandits also holding the Chargers — truly a can't-lose, or at least a can't-fully-lose, position.

SF @ SEA

Seattle favored by 2.5 at home with a juicy 45.5 total. Even Bauce Can Beat WV, American Idol, 2 Yards Under, and Stinky Bastards are on the Niners side, while Corn Shoughers, Foosball is the Devil, 2 Yards Under (again, hedging champions), BourbonBandits, and Stinky Bastards are also stocked with Seahawks.

DET @ ARI

The total of the week: 54.5, with Detroit favored by 5.5. This smells like a shootout, and Even Bauce Can Beat WV, American Idol, Bush League, and Corn Shoughers have the Lions, while Even Bauce Can Beat WV (double-dipping), Hands Holzberger, 2 Yards Under, and I am so SMRT, D'OH have the Cardinals. Somebody in this league is about to have a great Sunday afternoon.

BAL @ ATL

Atlanta favored by 3.5 at home, total 43.5, under the lights. Hands Holzberger, Foosball is the Devil, BourbonBandits, and titysprinkles2 have the Ravens, while Bush League and 2 Yards Under are counting on the Falcons at home.

Monday Night: BUF @ LAR

The second-highest total on the board at 54.5, with the Rams favored by 3 at home. Corn Shoughers, I am so SMRT, D'OH, Foosball is the Devil, and Stinky Bastards ride the Bills into primetime, while Kardiac Kids, American Idol, Corn Shoughers (hedging there too), and 2 Yards Under have the Rams to close out the week.

All spreads and totals listed are Vegas's opinion, not a promise — much like your lineup decisions this week.