Lock the Lines In, Fellas: Week 5's Vegas Gospel

Thursday night kicks off another slate of chaos, and whether you're watching for your fantasy squad or just to scream at a screen, the Vegas numbers are dropping hints all over the place. Here's one humble columnist's read on the lines - no promises, no guarantees, just a guy with a spreadsheet and strong opinions.

Thursday Night Appetizer

PIT heads to CLE as a 2.5-point favorite with the lowest total on the board, 38.5. That screams grind-it-out ugliness, which is bad news for Even Bauce Can Beat WV, 2 Yards Under, and I am so SMRT, D'OH, all of whom are trotting out Steelers, while Stinky Bastards prays their Browns piece can at least keep it respectable. My take: don't expect fireworks here.

The Big Number: Baltimore by Double Digits

The juiciest line of the week belongs to BAL, a jaw-dropping 11.5-point favorite over Tennessee. That's the kind of spread that makes you want to bench anyone wearing Titans teal and start every Raven you own. Good news for the Baltimore stockholders in American Idol, Hands Holzberger, BourbonBandits, Foosball is the Devil, and titysprinkles2 - if Vegas is right, this could be a laugher, and laughers tend to pad stat sheets.

Shootout Watch

Two games share the week's highest over/under at 51.5: JAX @ CIN and DET @ CAR. If Vegas smells points, I'm inclined to believe it. That's a big deal for Kardiac Kids, Hands Holzberger, and I am so SMRT leaning on Bengals, and Even Bauce, Corn Shoughers, Bush League, and titysprinkles2 all holding Jaguars. Meanwhile the Lions-Panthers over/under sets up nicely for American Idol, Even Bauce, and Corn Shoughers riding Detroit, while Hands Holzberger and Stinky Bastards hope their Panthers can keep pace in what projects as a track meet.

Cowboys and Texans Collide - Half the League Has Skin in This

DAL @ HOU carries a healthy 48.5 total with Houston favored by 3. This one's a fantasy traffic jam: Cowboys starters are scattered across American Idol, Kardiac Kids, Hands Holzberger, Bush League, BourbonBandits, and Foosball is the Devil, while Texans pieces belong to Even Bauce, Hands Holzberger, I am so SMRT, and titysprinkles2. With a total that high and a close spread, I'd bet on both sides putting up numbers - which means a lot of managers checking this box score obsessively on Sunday.

Chiefs Favored, Half the League Watching

KC heads to Vegas (the actual city, not the gambling kind) as a 4.5-point favorite over the Raiders, with a total of 47.5. Chiefs equity is everywhere - American Idol, Hands Holzberger, BourbonBandits, Stinky Bastards, titysprinkles2, and Bush League are all in on Kansas City, while Bush League and I am so SMRT also get a taste of the Raiders side. If the over hits, somebody's lineup is about to look very good.

Quietest Game of the Week

GB @ TB shares the week's lowest total at 38.5 despite Green Bay being favored by 3.5. Don't expect a barn-burner - Kardiac Kids, Corn Shoughers, BourbonBandits, and Stinky Bastards with Packers pieces might want to temper expectations, and the same goes for 2 Yards Under's Buccaneers.

Monday Night Capper

ATL @ NO closes the week with New Orleans favored by 2.5 and a total of 47.5. A reasonably high total in a close game is the kind of thing that could go either way - good luck to 2 Yards Under and Bush League on the Atlanta side, and American Idol, 2 Yards Under, Corn Shoughers, and Stinky Bastards hoping the Saints close the week on a high note.

All predictions are this columnist's opinion based solely on the posted Vegas lines - take them exactly as seriously as you'd take betting advice from a guy whose fantasy team once started a kicker on bye.