Vegas Drops the Odds, We Drop the Jokes

Another week, another chance for your bench to outscore your starters. Before you doom-scroll your lineup at 11:58 on Sunday, let's run through what Vegas thinks is going to happen — and what that means for the collection of jerseys you're all pretending to coach.

Thursday Night Snack: SEA @ DEN

Seattle opens as a 2.5-point favorite on the road with a modest 40.5 O/U. That's not a shootout, that's a grind. BourbonBandits, Corn Shoughers, Foosball is the Devil, and 2 Yards Under all have Seahawks skin in the game — my take is this one stays ugly and low-scoring, so don't expect fireworks from your Seattle pieces kicking off the week.

The Shootouts: BUF @ LV and DAL @ GB

Two games share the week's highest total at 53.5. Buffalo is favored by 5.5 at Las Vegas, and Dallas travels to Green Bay as a 1.5-point underdog. If you're chasing points, these are my picks for where they'll show up. Stinky Bastards, Corn Shoughers, Foosball is the Devil, I am so SMRT, D'OH, 2 Yards Under, and Kardiac Kids all have a Bills starter riding shotgun into that total, while Hands Holzberger, BourbonBandits, Foosball, American Idol, Kardiac Kids, and Bush League are leaning on Cowboys, and basically the entire league owns a Packer at this point. Green Bay is a virtual coin flip at home — my money says it stays close and high-scoring.

The Defensive Slogs: PIT @ TB and CAR @ PHI

Both games share the week's lowest total at 39.5, with Pittsburgh favored by 2.5 in Tampa and Carolina favored by 1.5 in Philadelphia. My expectation: both of these finish as field-goal fests. If you're starting Even Bauce Can Beat WV or I am so SMRT, D'OH Steelers, or Stinky Bastards, Hands Holzberger, and Corn Shoughers Panthers, or Hands Holzberger and BourbonBandits Eagles — temper those expectations accordingly.

The Potential Blowout: ARI @ LAR

The week's biggest spread belongs to the Rams, favored by a whopping 12.5 at home, with a total of 51.5. That's a lot of expected points stacked on one side of the ledger. Corn Shoughers, 2 Yards Under, American Idol, and Kardiac Kids are all hoping their Rams pieces cash in, while Even Bauce Can Beat WV, I am so SMRT, D'OH, and 2 Yards Under are stuck rooting for a Cardinals upset nobody in Vegas believes in.

Coin Flips Worth Watching

A trio of games are separated by a single field goal in the odds: NO @ NYG (NO -1.5, O/U 45.5), CHI @ ATL (CHI -1.5, O/U 51.5), and the aforementioned Dallas-Green Bay tilt. The Bears-Falcons game carries a surprisingly juicy 51.5 total for a "pick 'em" spread, which makes it my sneaky favorite for fantasy relevance. titysprinkles2 and Bush League have Bears in that one; 2 Yards Under and Bush League hold the Falcons side.

The Rest of the Board

Indianapolis is favored by 7 over Tennessee, New England is favored by 7.5 at home over the Jets, Kansas City is laying 8.5 on the Chargers, and San Francisco heads into Monday night favored by 7.5 over Washington with a hefty 50.5 total. None of these scream "nail-biter," but plenty of your rosters are riding shotgun regardless — Hands Holzberger and BourbonBandits have Colts and Chiefs equity all over this slate, and Even Bauce Can Beat WV, Stinky Bastards, 2 Yards Under, and American Idol are all banking on a 49ers cover.

All picks are opinion based on the posted lines, not promises — this column is not responsible for your Thursday night panic-drops.