Week 5: The Model Has Spoken, and It's Not Being Gentle

Sunday's almost here, and the Glory Days computer has crunched the numbers again with its usual lack of bedside manner. Six matchups, six verdicts, and at least one team that should probably just forfeit and go to brunch. Let's get into it.

Even Bauce Can Beat WV (-7.6) over Kardiac Kids

The model likes Even Bauce Can Beat WV here, giving them a 67% win probability and moneyline odds of -202 against the Kardiac Kids' +202. Not a laugher, but close enough that Kardiac Kids fans are allowed to dream a little before reality sets in.

American Idol (-15.7) over Hands Holzberger

Fifteen and a half points is the kind of number that makes you check if Hands Holzberger accidentally started their IR slot. American Idol strolls in at 81% to win, priced at -424. Hands Holzberger sits at +424, which in this league is basically a participation trophy with extra steps.

Corn Shoughers (-3.5) over Bush League

Now THIS is a matchup. A measly 3.5-point spread and a win probability of just 58% for Corn Shoughers, who are favored at -138 over Bush League's +138. The model is basically shrugging its shoulders here. Coin flip energy. Bring the antacids.

2 Yards Under (-32.8) over I am so SMRT, D'OH

And here's the massacre of the week. 2 Yards Under is favored by a jaw-dropping 32.8 points, good for a 95% win probability and moneyline odds of -2046. I am so SMRT, D'OH checks in at +2046, which is less a line and more a cry for help. The team name is doing a lot of unintentional comedy this week.

Foosball is the Devil (-6.3) over Stinky Bastards

A respectable gap here — Foosball is the Devil favored by 6.3 with a 64% win probability, priced at -178 versus Stinky Bastards' +178. Not a blowout on paper, but enough of a lean that the Bastards will need some chaos to climb out of this one.

titysprinkles2 (-19.4) over BourbonBandits

titysprinkles2 rolls in favored by nearly twenty points, sitting at 86% to win with moneyline odds of -595. BourbonBandits get the +595 underdog treatment, which in Vegas terms means somebody better start praying to the waiver wire gods before kickoff.

Odds and spreads generated by this site's own projection model based on current plus projected remaining points — not a real sportsbook, and definitely not a guarantee anyone's Sunday goes according to plan.